One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingies....

“Good morning. This is the Barak Hussein Obama Family Assistance Center. How may I direct your call?”

“Shalom. I don’t really know who to talk to. Do you have someone who knows about, ah, babies?”

“Of course. The President’s Family Assistance Center works tirelessly to help all people live their lives in a manner that’s pleasing to the President. So, babies, yes? Well for babies and children, the School Lunch Monitoring Project might be able to help. Or the Dim the Lights Program, which requires the use of florescent light bulbs to save the planet, so the world will still exist when they grow up. Or of course any of the agencies working to see that every one of the 300 million Americans will have access to free health care for everything from the sniffles to brain death.….”

“No, you don’t understand. I’m calling from Israel. From Judea, as a matter of fact. And I’m wondering if the President is offering anything to help us stop having babies.”

“Oh, you’re Jewish? Why didn’t you say so? I’m sure the President will do everything he possibly can to prevent you from having babies. But where did you say you live again?”

“In Judea. Just north of Jerusalem.” “

So which Congressional District is that? I’m checking my Blue State guide, here, and I don’t see that any of the areas that supported the President are named Judea. We may not have anything for you, but you’re free to move to a Red State, of course.”

“No, I’m calling you from Israel. You know, that country in the Middle East that the President frets about, morning, noon and night?”

“Oh, ISRAEL! You mean you’re calling from the Occupied Territories!”

“Ah, well, that’s not how we see it, of course. But yes. From Israel, the 10,000 square miles west of Jordan.”

“I’m checking my map, here, and according to what I see, for the area in which you live, a Direct Presidential Edict has been issued, which – honestly -- makes it a little complicated. In the case of Direct Presidential Edicts, the Congress chose not to facilitate the President’s dream, and so therefore no established rules or regulations were ever debated or imposed. So I may not have as much detail as you might wish.”

“Well, does it say anything about babies at all?”

“Just that in your area, babies are absolutely forbidden. You are not permitted to have babies at all. Not even one. In fact, the President doesn’t want to see a single baby carriage anywhere in Judea or Samaria. He’s put an embargo on diaper imports and outlawed teething biscuits. Do you understand how serious he is about this?”

“Yes, I understand that’s what he wants. But what I don’t understand is how we’re supposed to do that.”

“Excuse me, sir! You Jews seem to have no problem at all figuring out how to have babies – surely you can figure out now NOT to have them!”

“In theory, yes. But it’s just that Shabbat starts tonight, and things gets a little complicated. What we usually do on Friday nights is that we have the whole family over for a nice, long relaxing dinner. Then, when the children are asleep, the table is cleared and the dishes stacked, my wife and I usually go sit on the porch where there’s a nice cool breeze. We talk about our own hopes and dreams. We have another glass of wine, and – well, you know. One thing usually leads to another…..”

“And you want the President of the United States to help you?”

“I understand it’s not a problem that he, personally, has ever faced. I mean, you take one look at Michelle and you can see that she’s your basic cajones-crusher, up on her hind feet, walking around. I mean, she’s one formidable toots. Ole Barry baby probably performs on command, and at no other time. But that’s not how it works, here.”

“So, excuse me. What exactly it is you want, sir?”

“The President has forbidden us to have any babies. I’m wondering if he’s arranged an appropriation or something that might help us get through this tough situation. ”

“Not that I know of, sir. You’ll just have to rely on will power. The President never said it was going to be easy. He told you that the change he envisions for the world would sometimes be painful….”

“Just one thing I was wondering about, though. Just a couple kilometers away from us there’s an Arab village. Arab men have multiple wives, and frequently father several families with 30 or more children. One Arab I work with sees it as his sacred duty to have at least two of his three wives pregnant at all times. Does the President have a plan to forbid Arabs in Judea from having babies, too?”

“Goodness no! What do you think we are, anyway? That would be racist! Why would the President want to prevent more little Muslim babies from coming into the world? We would never think of meddling in a culture like that! I’m shocked you would even suggest such a thing!”

“But you’re forbidding Jews to have babies. I just thought…”

“It’s clear you don’t have a solid grasp of history, sir. The Palestinian people have been oppressed for thousands of years. You Jews have robbed them, tormented them, starved them and denied them basic human rights. You stole their land and killed them at every opportunity. The obligation of the United States, as the President sees it, is to help these struggling, peace loving people regain their lost country and reassume their leadership role in the Middle East. In order to do that, we have to help them repopulate, rebuild their population base by replacing all the Arabs you Jews have killed.”

“So you don’t see a ‘two state solution’ here?”

“In the beginning, perhaps. But our goal is, obviously, to have one single state for all its citizens, under the direct control of Allah.”


“Well, okay then. I just thought I’d ask.”

“It was a stupid question, anyway. Just two days ago, Vice President Biden made it clear you Jews can’t expect any help from us. Didn’t you hear what he said? “Israel is a sovereign nation,” the Vice President told the world. “They can do whatever is in their best interest. We would never dictate to another sovereign nation what they can and cannot do…”

“Oh! So we’re really free to do as we wish? Have as many babies as we want?”

“No, of course not. The Vice President wasn’t talking about babies. He was talking about Iran. But I’m getting tired of this conversation. We have nothing to offer you, except this admonition: Every nooky-free night you Jews all over the world observe will be one more step in helping the President of the United States bring about his dream of world peace.”